Ariel's MidLife Crisis
by rubyinnle
Summary: The Little Mermaid: ONESHOT, CRACK, minor SLASH. Ariel has a midlife crisis and is convinced she is hideous, Melody is sarcastic and suffering mental scarring, Eric has a closet friend... Mania ensues.


**Ariel's Mid-life Crisis:**

**featuring oblivious/dumb!Ariel, cheating man-whore!Eric and sarcastic!Melody**

**Disclaimer: Of course I don't own it! And I make no money from this... So yes, Disney is awesome.**

**Ok, this is CRACK, it is not meant to be canon at all. This also has hints of SLASH (aka gay men, in this case) so if it offends you or whatever don't read. Flames will cause laughter, reviewers will be loved.**

**If anyone reads this I will be surprised, if anyone reviews I will be very surprised. It is written with the intention of being funny. If it is**_** not**_** funny please tell me, if it **_**is**_**funny please tell me!!**

**This is very different from my other stuff, I know, I'm just seeing if this... writing style... works better. That is enough rambling from me, read and enjoy! (NB: Ariel's mid-life crisis is totally unfounded... Well, physically at least...)**

ooOoo

"Good Neptune! I look worse than URSULA!" Ariel moaned as she inspected herself in the full-length mirror, clad in her underclothes. Melody looked up briefly from the trashy teen romance novel she was reading. She gave her decidedly delusional mother an eye-roll before returning to her book.

"How so?" she drawled lazily.

"Well," her mother began, "Firsly, I'm fat... Huge! Whale-sized!" Ariel tried to pinch a roll of fat between her fingers to prove her point. Keyword: tried. She finally managed to catch a tiny roll of 'fat' between two fingers.

"See! Fat! I've go layers of it!" Ariel exclaimed, eying her very flat, enviously flat, stomach with distaste.

"Mum," Melody said calmly without looking up, "That is called_skin_."

"Well... Maybe... But look at all these wrinkles!" She exclaimed, gesturing wildly at her face.

"Stop trying to poke your eye out... And if that's what you call wrinkles, I must look at least eighty years old." Melody replied dryly.

Ariel forged on undeterred, "Plus, my boobs are saggy, my legs are veiny, and..!" she paused for dramatic effect, "I'm going... GREY!!" Melody swept an eye over her mothers perky breasts, flawless skin and stubbornly red-like-a-lobster hair.

"Mum... You look old enough to be my sister!" she said, slightly exasperated.

"Then why does your father seem so distant lately?" Ariel began to whine, "And then when we go to bed, you know? When we usually..."

"Okay!" Melody interrupted loudly, "That is definitely enough mental scarring for today!"

"But why isn't he..."

"Well! Maybe he's seeing another _woman_." she said conspiratorially with a whole heap of sarcasm on the side. Ariel gasped theatrically.

"Oh my... Do you really think so? You must be right! Oh, it was all so obvious! How did I miss it? I must confront him immediately!"

As Ariel took a deep breath and Melody wisely blocked her ears.

"Eric!!" Ariel screeched in a manner that could have been described as sing-song if it were only a few octaves lower and a whole lot of decibels quieter. Eric almost immediately stumbled out of the door that led to his walk in wardrobe, instructing the door to stay put which Ariel thought to be very sensible indeed. He looked rather dishevelled, what with his mussed hair, unbuttoned shirt and belt that was hastily being done up.

"Yes my darling, oh light of my life!" he exclaimed loftily.

"Oh, cut the crap Eric!" she snapped in a rare moment of seriousness before tears instantly formed in her eyes. "Are you... sniff seeing another... sniffsniff woman?" she asked wetly.

"My darling, I can truthfully say that I am not seeing another _woman_." he said truthfully (which was indeed suggested in his claim anyway...) Ariel collapsed into him, sobbing loudly.

"Oh! I knew you wouldn't cheat on me Eric!" He patted her on the back, dutifully sympathetic.

"So, who's your friend today?" Melody inquired, jerking her head at the wardrobe door.

"Um... His name's Victor," he said, looking slightly shifty.

"Dad!" she exclaimed, "You promised me you wouldn't do any new boys until next month! How many virgin arses have you diverted from the straight path now? About half I expect..." she sighed, "Oh well, just promise you won't touch Jerome." she warned.

"Oh, don't worry, your little boyfriend is as straight as an arrow!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Melody muttered, "That's what you said about the last three..."

Ariel, oblivious to this father daughter exchange, suddenly switched off her copious amount of tears an bounced away from Eric, wondering aloud what dress she should wear for the ball that night.

"I'll just... uh... be going." Eric said, returning to his closet. Melody shook her head and returned to her book.

"I'm so going to need counselling some day..."

ooOoo

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